Whether you probably did this new dumping or you were this new dumpee, saying goodbye to the person you’re pretty sure was your soul mate hurts like hell. And while we’d like to think it’ll never happen to us,

is a major plot line in close comedies, nation tunes, and sugar-free gum commercials, so don’t worry-you’re not the only person trying to figure out how to get your ex back. It’s a popular trope for a reason, folks.

But before you drunk text your ex lover or send them all the “12 Days of Christmas” gifts like in that episode of Any office, you need to do a little internal work to figure out why things didn’t work out in the first place, explains sex educator Liz Powell, PsyD, author of Building Discover Relationship . “Sometimes the timing was off, but sometimes a partner doesn’t work for us because we’re not a fit in general.”

Things like infidelity, betrayal, or a lack of trust are all pretty good reasons to keep your ex firmly in the past, says licensed ily therapist Payal Patel, no matter how hot/funny/a beneficial between the sheets they are. “It’s much easier to focus on the best parts of a relationship when you’re not actually interacting with that person every day,” adds Powell, so you have to strip back those feel-good memories to really remember the root of your breakup before proceeding.

Also important to remember: “There are millions and millions of amazing people out there, so you don’t have to assume you’ve already met your other half,” says Powell. With tons of relationships software and first-date advice, don’t feel like you have to settle for a shitty ex just because you’re currently single.

However,! For individuals who just cannot move an impact that your ex might just be the Jim for the Pam, we questioned a lot of relationship masters what you need to consider while you are thinking about “making up ground” for the kids whose name’s in your cellular phone because Would Not Text. Understand cautiously, twice, just before hitting up your own previous flames.

step 1. Have a look at your self.

Very first anything basic: Capture a beneficial sec to seriously search inward-the audience is speaking wishes, demands, wants, and you can exact life stage. There’s a big change ranging from making up with anyone given that you happen to be lonely and because you truly love him or her, shows you Patel. Actually, more often than not, we get therefore destroyed within own details out-of that which we envision will be very theraputic for us that we never actually believe if it is reasonable, contributes Powell.

Do you has just begin a separate job? In the middle of a massive performs project? Experiencing another reduced some other section of your daily life? Our thinking is actually difficult, and sometimes stress various other section is cloud all of our view. In addition to that, nevertheless may lead you to definitely agree to something (like seeking once again that have an old boyfriend) you do not actually have new rational or mental power to undertake. Think of though you will be ready to become a beneficial, suit companion ahead of actually given reconnecting. If you fail to show up completely at this time, there is no point in seeking to reform a thread. Believe all of us, it is going to save yourself people loads of heartbreak fundamentally.

dos. Examine your existing matchmaking sitch.

Wanting to get back with your ex boyfriend whenever you are solitary is one thing, however, effect this way if you find yourself relationships somebody the latest try an excellent whole almost every other. The good news is, it is quite typical to possess *some* constant thinking to suit your ex, despite you’ve shifted, Powell teaches you. And people periodic yearnings otherwise happy memory are not fundamentally need enough in order to DM your ex, they state, nevertheless do need to glance at exactly what capability you’re interested in your ex partner for the.